i HATE snails (and I never, ever say the word HATE)

I know your looking at this picture of the snail to my left and thinking, oh how cute, look at those little antennaes and the cute graffiti on it's shell, you may even think that you want to have one for a pet. I know my kids do. My kids actually kind of like snails. In fact my kids have even had snail races on rainy days shouting and cheering their li'l snail champion on as they sluggishly slime their ways across our cement patio. But let me tell you. These little vandals of the animal kingdom are criminals. CRIMINALS! And they aren't as slow as you think they are. They are speedy and focused when it comes to destroying your garden.

Hey, I am a believer. I know that everything on this earth was made for a purpose. I know that God is wise and all knowing and I trust him, but boy am I confused when it comes to snails. I know there must be some reason for snails, besides being a French delicacy (ho, ho, hoooo zey like to eat the escargo), but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is. They are slimy, creeper, over eaters. Really! they are major breakers of the seventh of the deadly sins -- Gluttony. I mean how many plants can one snail eat in the course of 8 hours? And don't give me that line that it's all greens of little calories so they can eat as much as they want. NO!! No way.

Its about time someone stand up and say enough is enough.

When I put a sweet, healthy dahlia in the ground one afternoon and wake up to nothing but the stems the next morning, I think it is okay to say that that snail over ate. These unwelcomed guests completely took advantage of my hospitality and I say it is about time they hit the road literally, hit it hard, with a crushing blow. I detest these varments so much that when I see one in my garden, I pick it up and hurl it over my house to the street. I don't have the guts to step on it... but I have no problem chucking it out to oblivion...really just over the fence into the street but to a snail that is like galaxy away... haven't you seen Bugs Life? In the past I have had a passive aversion to the snail. I turned my nose up at them, like the french would American french fries (which I love by the way) not giving them too much of my energy but not approving either, in my best french accent"oh escargo, I find you slimy and gross, I don't like you. Poo-poo to you." disliking but not with passion. But after I tucked my sweet dahlias in their beds and came out a couple of days later, to find them stripped down like a cadillac on the south side of Chicago, I have become impassioned, crazed even, like the french love their cheese but only opposite. I curse the snails that munch my plants like Agustus gloop loves chocolate. those snails congregate around my plants like Norm sits at the bar at Cheers sucking down beers. They leave nothing left-- eating my plants like Choncho loves chips. They are relentless, destructive and vandals of the highest order.

How do I get rid of them? There is that deadline poison. You basically poor black tar out of a spout around your plants and when the snail touches it they die. That is effective and kills on contact. But it doesn't get to the root of the problem and it's ugly. If you want to get rid of these pesky snails you need to invest in another snail called a descollate snail. These snails look the same as their cute cousins, but have a conical shell. They eat the eggs and young of the bigger plant eating snails. They are snail assassins and I love them like the french love their wine. oh la la. You can purchase them here. These snails cut down the snail population in my garden ten fold. After a year or so it was hard to find a snail in our yard and when we did they were of the descollate variety. So purchase your little descollate snail army and bounce those unwanted guests out of your garden. You'll be glad you did. I need some new recruits. I am calling in the reserves asap.